Characters
Hamlet
Macbeth
William Shakespeare
Christopher Marlowe and his Ghost
Prologue
Good noon ladies, and few, castaway men passing their days idly in this sleepy town of dire desert. I bringeth you a story of two competing playwrights and two incompetent murderers.
Two murderers, all unlike in killing,
In fair London, we lay our scene,
Where ancient blood thirst comes to new chilling,
Where stealing makes authors great
And astrologers decide their fate
A pair of star-cross'd murderers threat their life
And with their sword bury the authors’ strife
Well, I shall not test thy patience; it’s the story of Will Shakespeare who copied and borrowed his way to greatness, also of Christopher Marlowe who paid the grave cost of this greatness by often finding his ideas lifted, of Hamlet, the silly prince of Denmark who remembers none but an odd girl out and Macbeth the foolhardy general who asks the million penny question: Why Willy makes all of us murderers?
I promise one thing:
Never was told a story of more funny woe
Than of our Shakespeare and his Marlowe
Scene: A Theatre Festival
Time: Evening
(Hamlet is all lost and wandering around when Macbeth enters the scene)
Hamlet: Ophelia, Ophelia, Ophelia, my love, where art thou?
Macbeth: Art thou a man? Your father’s killed; your mother has become your auntie and you idiot…. Ophelia, Ophelia….
Hamlet: Who art thou? Thou hast no idea: greater the confusion greater the love. Ophelia, Oh Ophelia…….I am trapped by a great love, you dark moor.
Macbeth: Don’t insult my race, mind thy own. I am no moor….I am Macbeth……. the Great Soldier.
Hamlet: The Great Murderer!
Macbeth: Hold your tongue or lose it.
Hamlet: Ophelia, Ophelia, Ophelia……….
Macbeth: Who is this girl?
Hamlet: I don’t know.
Macbeth: Then why do you keep calling her. Ophelia, Ophelia…….?
Hamlet: Coz Will has asked me to.
Macbeth: Who is Will?
Hamlet: Will is nobody. He is a drunk. He is a poet. He is a copycat.
Macbeth: Got it, you mean William Shakespeare.
Hamlet: Yes, my lord.
Macbeth: I am also looking for that lunatic. I am a bit confused meself; just on the
highway I met 3 witches. They said I’ll be a king. Will wants me to be a king, why?
Hamlet: So that you can give him a noble prize; you know nobody gives him any prizes.
Macbeth: But, how do I become a king?
Hamlet: Ask thy wife. She is a kingmaker.
Macbeth: Idiot, I call her kingfisher not kingmaker.
Hamlet: Whatever, to murder or not to murder; that is the question.
Macbeth: That reminds me: Why Will makes all of us murderers?
Hamlet: We kill, to make him great. We sin, to make him great. We cry, to make him great. We suffer, to make him great.
Macbeth: Sadist! Damn sadist! If kill, we should, why not him? If suffer, we should, why shouldn’t he?
(Enters William Shakespeare, followed unknowingly by Christopher Marlowe)
Will: Freeze!
(Macbeth and Hamlet freeze)
Will: Well, told you, all the world is a stage. And thou art my characters. Characters never understand me. They don’t know how damn difficult a job it’s to create such weird people like Macky and Hammy.
Kit: Very difficult indeed, especially when they are not yours. By the way, from where have you lifted this time? I never wrote Hamlet or Macbeth. And Will, You have to stop it now; you have to. Dr. Moth, the great Psychiatrist and astrologer (Will: You also go to him?) has warned I’ll die soon, in a fight, in a tavern. I also need to be great. I also need to be immortal.
Will: You are, already. Great, and immortal, Kit. Go and drink like a killer. Death is tomorrow and drink is today. Murder is everyday. (Kit moving as if to exit). By the way, before you go and get drunk, did Dr. Moth tell you the name of the man who’d kill you? I see a plot coming up!
Kit: Jove! I wish I knew. I could write a tragedy on my own murder. The Strange and Unforgettably Lamentable Tragedy of Christopher Marlowe! (Aside- Will: Leave that to me!) By the way, ‘your’ characters are freezing, Will. (Will looks around at Macky and Hammy: Really?) Good bye and may Aphrodite give thee some pains and brains. Catchy line though: murder is everyday.
Will: Go and may Aphrodite let you die poetically. And you – children of imagination but not mine, come back to life, thy foster father calls you. (Changing the tone) We have shows tomorrow.
(Kit exits)
Hamlet: Ophelia, Ophelia……….
Macbeth (In a murderous frenzy): Oh ghostly dagger! Where art thou? I’ll murder the King and become a king myself. I know I’ll suffer, I know I’ll have to make Will great.
Will: Calm, my hero, calm. I’ll take the shame off you. I’m writing a murderer even greater than you…..he’ll kill his wife……Othello!
Macbeth: Will, before I forget again, first answer this million penny question: why do you make all of us murderers?
Hamlet: I also have some questions: She loves me or she loves me not. Why did my uncle Claudius kill my papa? Should I kill him or kill him not ? Should I kill myself or kill me not? To be mad or not to be?
Will: Friends, I make all of you murderers coz it clicks, tragedy clicks. I wrote comedies I earned money. I created you, it fetched me greatness.
M/H: What if we kill you? Will it not make us great? We also need to be great.
(A dagger appears in Macbeth’s hands)
Will: Save me, Kit and all those who conspired that I write such grave tragedies….Sophocles save me……..Euripides save me………Thomas Kyd save me…Kit save me…………save me……
(Enters the ghost of Kit Marlowe)
Kit: Leave him brothers, he was damn right. And more importantly Dr. Moth too. Death may be tomorrow but Murder is everyday. I got killed by somebody at a tavern.
Hamlet: Great light has gone out of our lives!
Macbeth: A great loss to theatre and playwriting.
Shakespeare: Even greater loss to me! (Sighs)
Kit: But, leave him brothers. He will make you great anyways. I shall live in him and he in both of you. Then, forget murders, let’s celebrate life. Hamlet and Macbeth, shall I call you Macky and Hammy, brothers, come, lets celebrate.
(The four make a semicircle and are engrossed in friendly celebration)
All Four: For life…..for drama that makes murderers lovable.
Kit: Coming back here, I saw the face of my Helen, the infamous Helen of Troy flashing in sky: Is this the face that launched a thousand ships?
Will: Wonderful, repeat the line…..is this the face…….thanks Kit.
Will (Steps forward): All thy world is a court, it punishes. Our theatre is a tavern, it punishes not. Kill or be killed. Write or be written. Inspire or get inspired (Kit: It means Copy or get Copied).
All Four: That is the question.
Hamlet: Ophelia, Ophelia…..
Macbeth: Where’s old Duncan, the king of Scotland? I am sorry. I won’t kill you.
(Exit Macbeth)
Hamlet: Uncle Claudius, give me my Ophelia and my senses back….I’ll kill you not…nor myself…..
(Exit Hamlet)
Kit: Keep them on track, Will. They have to kill.
Will: They’ll resume but for this fleeting while let their spirits roam free. You tell me…how it is to be a ghost? I am writing a ghost father for Hamlet.
Kit: You’ll never change. Well, a ghost is a dead playwright whose works are lifted by you.
Will: All is well that ends well.
(Both laugh. Arm-in –arm exit Kit and Will)
Epilogue
Remember ladies and few gentlemen: Life is Today, Death is Tomorrow. But Murder is Everyday.
(Shouts of Duncan and Claudius being killed from offstage. Duncan: Leave me Macbeth, I am your king. Claudius: Leave me, I am your uncle and father too)
And astrologers decide their fate
A pair of star-cross'd murderers threat their life
And with their sword bury the authors’ strife
Well, I shall not test thy patience; it’s the story of Will Shakespeare who copied and borrowed his way to greatness, also of Christopher Marlowe who paid the grave cost of this greatness by often finding his ideas lifted, of Hamlet, the silly prince of Denmark who remembers none but an odd girl out and Macbeth the foolhardy general who asks the million penny question: Why Willy makes all of us murderers?
I promise one thing:
Never was told a story of more funny woe
Than of our Shakespeare and his Marlowe
Scene: A Theatre Festival
Time: Evening
(Hamlet is all lost and wandering around when Macbeth enters the scene)
Hamlet: Ophelia, Ophelia, Ophelia, my love, where art thou?
Macbeth: Art thou a man? Your father’s killed; your mother has become your auntie and you idiot…. Ophelia, Ophelia….
Hamlet: Who art thou? Thou hast no idea: greater the confusion greater the love. Ophelia, Oh Ophelia…….I am trapped by a great love, you dark moor.
Macbeth: Don’t insult my race, mind thy own. I am no moor….I am Macbeth……. the Great Soldier.
Hamlet: The Great Murderer!
Macbeth: Hold your tongue or lose it.
Hamlet: Ophelia, Ophelia, Ophelia……….
Macbeth: Who is this girl?
Hamlet: I don’t know.
Macbeth: Then why do you keep calling her. Ophelia, Ophelia…….?
Hamlet: Coz Will has asked me to.
Macbeth: Who is Will?
Hamlet: Will is nobody. He is a drunk. He is a poet. He is a copycat.
Macbeth: Got it, you mean William Shakespeare.
Hamlet: Yes, my lord.
Macbeth: I am also looking for that lunatic. I am a bit confused meself; just on the
highway I met 3 witches. They said I’ll be a king. Will wants me to be a king, why?
Hamlet: So that you can give him a noble prize; you know nobody gives him any prizes.
Macbeth: But, how do I become a king?
Hamlet: Ask thy wife. She is a kingmaker.
Macbeth: Idiot, I call her kingfisher not kingmaker.
Hamlet: Whatever, to murder or not to murder; that is the question.
Macbeth: That reminds me: Why Will makes all of us murderers?
Hamlet: We kill, to make him great. We sin, to make him great. We cry, to make him great. We suffer, to make him great.
Macbeth: Sadist! Damn sadist! If kill, we should, why not him? If suffer, we should, why shouldn’t he?
(Enters William Shakespeare, followed unknowingly by Christopher Marlowe)
Will: Freeze!
(Macbeth and Hamlet freeze)
Will: Well, told you, all the world is a stage. And thou art my characters. Characters never understand me. They don’t know how damn difficult a job it’s to create such weird people like Macky and Hammy.
Kit: Very difficult indeed, especially when they are not yours. By the way, from where have you lifted this time? I never wrote Hamlet or Macbeth. And Will, You have to stop it now; you have to. Dr. Moth, the great Psychiatrist and astrologer (Will: You also go to him?) has warned I’ll die soon, in a fight, in a tavern. I also need to be great. I also need to be immortal.
Will: You are, already. Great, and immortal, Kit. Go and drink like a killer. Death is tomorrow and drink is today. Murder is everyday. (Kit moving as if to exit). By the way, before you go and get drunk, did Dr. Moth tell you the name of the man who’d kill you? I see a plot coming up!
Kit: Jove! I wish I knew. I could write a tragedy on my own murder. The Strange and Unforgettably Lamentable Tragedy of Christopher Marlowe! (Aside- Will: Leave that to me!) By the way, ‘your’ characters are freezing, Will. (Will looks around at Macky and Hammy: Really?) Good bye and may Aphrodite give thee some pains and brains. Catchy line though: murder is everyday.
Will: Go and may Aphrodite let you die poetically. And you – children of imagination but not mine, come back to life, thy foster father calls you. (Changing the tone) We have shows tomorrow.
(Kit exits)
Hamlet: Ophelia, Ophelia……….
Macbeth (In a murderous frenzy): Oh ghostly dagger! Where art thou? I’ll murder the King and become a king myself. I know I’ll suffer, I know I’ll have to make Will great.
Will: Calm, my hero, calm. I’ll take the shame off you. I’m writing a murderer even greater than you…..he’ll kill his wife……Othello!
Macbeth: Will, before I forget again, first answer this million penny question: why do you make all of us murderers?
Hamlet: I also have some questions: She loves me or she loves me not. Why did my uncle Claudius kill my papa? Should I kill him or kill him not ? Should I kill myself or kill me not? To be mad or not to be?
Will: Friends, I make all of you murderers coz it clicks, tragedy clicks. I wrote comedies I earned money. I created you, it fetched me greatness.
M/H: What if we kill you? Will it not make us great? We also need to be great.
(A dagger appears in Macbeth’s hands)
Will: Save me, Kit and all those who conspired that I write such grave tragedies….Sophocles save me……..Euripides save me………Thomas Kyd save me…Kit save me…………save me……
(Enters the ghost of Kit Marlowe)
Kit: Leave him brothers, he was damn right. And more importantly Dr. Moth too. Death may be tomorrow but Murder is everyday. I got killed by somebody at a tavern.
Hamlet: Great light has gone out of our lives!
Macbeth: A great loss to theatre and playwriting.
Shakespeare: Even greater loss to me! (Sighs)
Kit: But, leave him brothers. He will make you great anyways. I shall live in him and he in both of you. Then, forget murders, let’s celebrate life. Hamlet and Macbeth, shall I call you Macky and Hammy, brothers, come, lets celebrate.
(The four make a semicircle and are engrossed in friendly celebration)
All Four: For life…..for drama that makes murderers lovable.
Kit: Coming back here, I saw the face of my Helen, the infamous Helen of Troy flashing in sky: Is this the face that launched a thousand ships?
Will: Wonderful, repeat the line…..is this the face…….thanks Kit.
Will (Steps forward): All thy world is a court, it punishes. Our theatre is a tavern, it punishes not. Kill or be killed. Write or be written. Inspire or get inspired (Kit: It means Copy or get Copied).
All Four: That is the question.
Hamlet: Ophelia, Ophelia…..
Macbeth: Where’s old Duncan, the king of Scotland? I am sorry. I won’t kill you.
(Exit Macbeth)
Hamlet: Uncle Claudius, give me my Ophelia and my senses back….I’ll kill you not…nor myself…..
(Exit Hamlet)
Kit: Keep them on track, Will. They have to kill.
Will: They’ll resume but for this fleeting while let their spirits roam free. You tell me…how it is to be a ghost? I am writing a ghost father for Hamlet.
Kit: You’ll never change. Well, a ghost is a dead playwright whose works are lifted by you.
Will: All is well that ends well.
(Both laugh. Arm-in –arm exit Kit and Will)
Epilogue
Remember ladies and few gentlemen: Life is Today, Death is Tomorrow. But Murder is Everyday.
(Shouts of Duncan and Claudius being killed from offstage. Duncan: Leave me Macbeth, I am your king. Claudius: Leave me, I am your uncle and father too)
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